Evopropinquitous

tentaclemobster asked: I'd love to study wild sloths! I would probably go full Kristen Bell mode though and just start sobbing uncontrollably at the first sloth I saw, and be completely unable to do any actual research.

Things I Learned as a Field Biologist #872

Being in the field can be highly emotional. You’re thousands of miles away from your friends, family, and significant others while still trying to maintain the most important of those relationships. You’re trying to make the most of bad or contaminated foods, long exhausting days, and push your diseased and tired body to its farthest limits.

And the animals.  

They are so cute.  

So… frakking… cute…

There are a wide variety of data that can be collected while going full Kristen Bell mode in the field. These data are widely variable because, being in the field, your emotional floodgates can be triggered by the most surprising of events. Instances in which data have been collected through seemingly unwarranted torrents of sobbing tears full of emotional intensity include:

1) When you see a jaguar for the first time.  You might be on a boat, going upriver, when the motor stops.  ”Jaguar” whispers the motorist. As you slowly float down river, you first see its tail flick under the leaves, and then it comes into full view, lounging on a tree trunk over the water.  It is so beautiful… so rare… that you can’t even breathe, and your eyes immediately lose focus because they fill up with tears.  Fortunately, your camera won’t lose focus, and the biological station manager will be able to match his coat pattern to photos taken by camera traps tens of kilometers downriver. Way to keep the data flowing.

2) When you mount a hill only to have the forest literally explode into adorableness because you’ve scared up a troop of coatis that has over 30 young pups. They all leap about a foot off the ground and sit and stare at you, unsure of what to do.  You may watch each other for a moment in silence, while you deftly count the litter and jot down the location.  And then may you let out a squee.  A squee so full of misdirected love and melancholy that they immediately flee into the forest, certain now that you are, indeed, something truly dangerous…

3) When doing phenology.  By Darwin’s beard, nothing will strip away your humanity and leave you a quivering, inchoate mess like spending six days in a row, alone, counting every single fruit and new leaf on over 1500 trees in the middle of the Amazon. Anything will make you cry when you’re doing phenology. Strictly speaking, this isn’t going full Kristen Bell mode, but hey.  You’ve been warned. The trees will drink your tears…

4) When you are feeling so alone… so… alone… and hear a quiet sound above your head, and look up to see your favorite woolly monkey silently masturbating.  You held him in your hands mere months ago when you radiocollared him… his fur was so soft, his scrotal tuft so adorably fluffy and regal… and now here is… all alone, but making the most of it… he doesn’t need anyone… YOU don’t need anyone…

*sniff*

You go, boy…

So don’t worry, tentaclemobster. Your career studying wild sloths is waiting for you. Claim it.

We all go a little full Kristen Bell mode sometimes…